IDW Publishing Forums

[Kirjava]

I've never read any of these, but lines like, "Ernie and and Waldo spend a night getting brutally molested in a Portland jail" do make me chuckle (I wonder what that says about me or, more importantly, the American justice system). Moar, temple!
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[temple]

Issue #17: Return to Cybertron Part One: The Smelting Pool!

Huh, excuse me a second, I seem to have picked up an issue of Marvel UK by mistake, what with the horribly melting Transformers on the cover and everything. Cuddly ol' Bob wouldn't do anything like...

...huh. Okay, hideous death by melting it is! Doesn't look good for Blaster, does it? I sure hope he doesn't have any tape buddies inside him; he's just the kind of 'bot to take them with him rather than, say, ejecting them out of the pit.

Anyways, we're finally back to the "misery-ridden monument to millions of years of war and oppression" that is Cybertron. Talk about your inefficient war; would have thought even ONE million years would be enought to sort things out, but no, Genericons are still hunting down Generibots in a bland manner that nobody cares about.

Luckily for those toyless losers, Blaster is on hand to... um, pick up the Decepticon and throw him into a wall. Either Blaster's one strong SOB, or that 'Con was made entirely out of gold plastic. Then Blaster tells the "robo-wretch" to "crawl back into his hole." Dawg's cold, yo.

We then move to meet Blaster's dodgy bud Scrounge, who turns into... a wheel. Not the first wheel, or any stupid $£@& like that, just a regular ol' wheel. Luckily he makes up for it with his 'special hand', with its disturbing extendo-fingers. Scrounge... sneakin' through your windooooow.... *shudder*

He uses his fiddlin' digits to spy on a 'Con base, where he steals some important data and then ruins everything by slappin' his fingers into an alarmed pipe on the way out. Nice to see the Decepticons alarm even their smallest ventilation shafts (why do Transformers even HAVE ventilation shafts, anyway?) just in case there's an Autobot out there with... a 'special hand.' *throws up in mouth*

Scrounge has to beat a hasty retreat through yet more rusting generibots, all begging for spare parts. I dunno, guys, maybe you could make some use out of the WHOLE &%£@ING ROBOTIC PLANET YOU LIVE ON. It's no good, though; Shrapnel picks him up using his suspiciously insect-like flying mode.

Back to Blaster and his meeting with Cybertron's Finest, such luminaries as... um, Perceptor, and... Seaspray. ...okay, I'm beginning to understand why the war's been going so slowly. Percy doesn't wanna rescue Scrounge, but Blaster's just TOO AWESOME to refuse. *appalling eighties guitar riff*

So, to the titular Smelting Pool, where we meet the Decepticon commander Straxus, the world's Chunkiest Transformer. One too many chants of "thunderthighs" turned him into a ruthless dictator, the fat $£&@. Witness as he rips off Scrounge's special hand and crushes it in one chubby paw! Nooooooes! How will he go about his dirty, perverted business now?

The Autobots find out where he is by bullying s'more robotramps (it's all right, the homeless aren't people, apparently), and Wussy Percy and his Petrified Pals promptly chicken out, leaving Blaster to infiltrate the Pit on his own. Sadly, due to the blaring rock music that accompanies him everywhere, he is promptly captured. Damn you, Dio! *shakes fist* That's not the first person your music has condemned to death!

He's brought before His Flabbiness Lord Straxus, who frankly couldn't care less, and orders him thrown in the Pit. Luckily, he lands on the Tiny Ledge that apparently no one has used before, and finds poor ol' Scrounge bobbing around in there. The poor li'l deviant REALLY isn't having a good day.

POWERGLIDE TO THE RESCUE! Yes, Blaster's mates had a change of heart and have turned up to yank him out of the sticky stuff. Without further ado, Powerglide pulls up Blaster and Scrou- WAAAA! HE AIN'T GOT NO LEGS! Guess he should have used the Tiny Ledge; he could have pulled himself up if he had a normal arm rather than a Mr. Tickle one.

His death kinda honks Blaster off, and leads him to use pipes of the molten pit stuff as FIRE CANNONS. Yeeeeeha! Eat liquid Scrounge, Decepticreeps! No, that's not a creepy use of your dead friend.

The 'bots make it back to their super-secret treehouse, where it turns out the Important Data is... that message from Soundwave. Yeah, the one from the Bomber Bill issue. Yeah, I'd forgotten about it too. Blaster reflects, "Wherever you are, Scrounge, I hope you heard that." Not likely; you just splattered him all over the Decepticons' cockpits!

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he's the goddamn Batman

-not fixed!
Weeeeell, apart from Percy's face being coloured like a Cherokee brave, which I'm not sure was his fault, he hasn't done too badly again. Does his newfound competence spell the end of Yomtov Watch? *checks ahead a few issues* ...NOOOOOOES.
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You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[Iacon_Pax]

Another enjoyable review. Thanks! Somehow the creepiness of those extandable fingers didn't really bother me before. I just remember getting a mini degest edition (like they do with old issues of Archie) with this comic in it at the grocery checkout when I was a kid, and feeling really bad for Scrounge... still do, upon rereading it. Speaking of which, I think I'm only 2 issues ahead of you! I've got to hurry up.

[CyclonusArmada]

Scrounge sounds like the ideal candidate for the next Baypocalypse...
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[temple]

Issue #18: The Bridge to Nowhere!

Boy, that cover sure is... green. Say what you like about it... it is the greenest. "Blaster and Straxus battle between two worlds"? More like "Blaster and Starxus battle between green and more green." Guss the background guy was in the can when this issue went out. Still, mace-axe-thing against gun? My money's on the gun.

Meet hip young things Charlie and Rita, indulging in that favourite twenty-something pastime of the eighties, Driving Aimlessly Through a Forest. They marvel at the pristine wilderness of it all, and particularly at how the clouds of exhaust from their off-roader really help set off the foliage.

They come across a mysterious bridge, and by mysterious I mean "outlandishly oversized and obviously built by alien robots." Sharing the level of intelligence of all the other human characters in Transformers, they promptly decide to drive over it. I guess we should be impressed they even notice that the bridge stops halfway, rather than just driving happily into the gorge.

A big robot suddenly appears and even more suddenly blows up, and Charles and Rita flee just as the whole bridge vanishes. Thanks, guys! You were rich and interesting characters!

Turns out the bridge is part of an experiment by his Royal Tubbiness, Lord Straxus. He's cranky because he hasn't had his morning doughnut, so amuses himself ordering his men onto the bridge, where they start out explodey and get even explodier. Blaster is spying on the whole sorry mess, as the Decepticons don't notice a small, unobtrusive recording console. Slightly more nonsensically, they also don't notice Powerglide flying nonchalantly in and picking that console up.

Back at the Autobot Clubhouse, Blaster reports; seems that the 'Cons have the scientist Spanner captive, and are using him to build the bridge. Blaster wants to rescue the poor, unfortunately-named devil, but Percy the Caring just wants to blow the whole pile up.

Back on Earth, where Megatron is arguing like an old married couple with not-a-Jewish-stereotype Donny Finkleberg about... oh, I don't even care. Some &$£@ about candy bars or something. Anyway, Cap'n Kinkwave turns up to tweak his nose, among other prominent protuberances, but their will-they-won't-they banter is broken up by a transmission from Straxus. He's gone with the GIANT GLOWING HEAD medium, or the 'Wizard of Oz' as it's known in the trade. He lets 'em know about the spacebridge, which is a little presumptuous considering he hasn't gotten it working yet.

The Cybertron 'Bots are enacting their cunning infiltration plan, which involves tunnelling under the 'Con base, then drilling upwards to emerge right in the middle of a big circle of Decepticons. Who then shoot them. Percy? Optimus Prime you ain't. Still, it's enough for corpulent rotter Straxus to take them on personally, transforming into... uh, what the hell IS that? Looks like something a lonely, yet extremely masochistic, woman would use.

Blaster uses the ruckus as cover for distributing his manbag o' bombs around the bridge, which sucks as it turns out THE BRIDGE IS SPANNER. Wooooo! Only thing is, though... just how big WAS Spanner, anyways? What, this was a scientist the size of Metroplex or something? How the hell did the 'Cons capture him?

Speaking of the metal meanies, they finally notice that Blaster is up to Shenanigans and activate the bridge. Blaster ends up facing that morbidly obese menace Straxus and his glowy pickaxe thingy. How can one Autobot possibly triumph against such evil? Such hate? Such chubbiness?

...uh, by ducking Straxus' swing and then kicking him off the bridge, is the rather deflating answer. The bridge has been damaged in the fight, and whaddaya know, Blaster and the other 'Bots are stuck... on Earth. Way to go with the whole 'killing Spanner to put him out of his living hell' thing, Blaster! I'm sure the complete opposite is JUST as good!

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he reminds me of the babe

Not fixed!
-uh, what colour IS Straxus supposed to be, Nelson? Blues, reds, pinks... Not reading the design bible is something we're used to, but not even checking the page you've JUST COLOURED? For shame...
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[Iacon_Pax]

I still remember, as a 9 or 10-year-old kid, reading this issue after having seen the space bridge on the cartoon and being confused why the comic book writer and artist seemed to think that the "space bridge" had to look like a literal "bridge."

[Jamo]

[CyclonusArmada]

The Decepticon forever known as 'the fat one' Has he been introduced into IDW yet?
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[Anzati]

Apparently (according to wiki):

[Kirjava]

Straxus and Grindcore are the two Dead Universe bots assigned to gather the Ore-13 required to power the Nega-Cores in the Expansion. Straxus transforms into a bat-like jet thing. They fight Sideswipe in his Spotlight and (as best as I can tell) die when the link to the Dead Universe is severed- at the very least, they are not mentioned again, and don't appear in that miniseries featuring Galvatron.
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[CyclonusArmada]

Ohh right. That was Fatxus? Didn't put two and two together at the time. I just thought the two were new DU characters you know as they seemingly die at the end, I just assumed nobodies.
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[Kirjava]

Well Grindcore does straight-up call him Straxus, but other than that I can't remember anybody mentioning him by name, so I'm not surprised he slipped your mind.
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[brainwash]

I didn't know they fixed Yomtov's colours so aggresively. I may have to chdck out these volumes, I dig their use of UK prints, too.

[Jamo]

[temple]

Issue #19: Command Performances!

Okay, Marvel, I've got a bone to pick with you. On the cover you say, "You asked for him - you got him! OMEGA SUPREME!" Well, I never asked for him! I hadn't seen him in the cartoon yet, I hadn't seen him in the shops... how the hell WOULD I ask for him? Admittedly he looks pretty cool, what with trashing a whole bunch of Decepticons single-handed (literally- his other hand's a gun), but back then, if I had asked for anything in my Transformers comics, it was probably less Buster Witwicky.

As this shamefully blatant advert for a pricy toy opens, Prime is showing off Omega to the other Autobots. Which is kinda odd; I mean, the Ark isn't THAT big. I'm pretty sure the other 'Bots have already noticed Grapple building a big ol' robot down the hall.

But that Optimus, he's a showman, albeit one who's forgotten his hissy fit about not building Giant Killer Death Robots from a while back. Apparently, building just ONE Giant Killer Death Robot is okay. That's why he's the good guy; that kind of unswerving moral compass.

Now Prime's all frightened and wussy because the 'Cons have Devastator, even though the big green machine got his tail kicked by a fairly unimpressive team a few issues back. Again, being the staunchly righteous robot he is, OP decides that the only recourse is to... um, steal the method of creating the Giant Killer Death Robot. I'm sure it's not so they can make their own, though! He probably just wants it for... uh... um... *trails off awkwardly*

Basically, all the 'Bots are gonna go trash the other guys' base. Well, all of them except for Ratchet, who is a wussy doctor (and has a bunch of dudes to fix anyways), and Omega Supreme, who has to look after the wussy doctor.

Mind you, OP's plan to "run in, steal a bunch of stuff and then run away" doesn't sit well with Grimlock and the other Dinos, who make a stand against such non-violent weaselness by walking slowly away into the woods like a ghostly ballplayer entering a field of corn. Turns out Prime figured they'd do that, proving that his foresight is matched only by his bad man-management skills.

Over at Camp Evil (heh... sounds like a description of Starscream), the Constructicons have finished putting up a handy Ring o' Guns around the mine, although Megatron and Cap'n Kinkwave are still squabbling like America's Next Top Models. Megs eventually flounces out with the tapes and the jets to meet some new buddies from Cybertron. Oooo! I hope it's the Terrorcons!

The 'Bots and their creepy stuffed driver dummies are cruising through town, when Skids accidentally brushes against a car. A minor incident, you might think? But noes... for that car belongs to... JAKE DALRYMPLE, the most terrifying driver on Earth. And he vows REVENGE...

The 'Bots manage to brush their way past the military blockade at the mine (if you haven't yet gathered from this series that the local Oregon armed forces are about as useful as a wet paper bag, where the hell have you been?). Even worse for the soldiers, they then make the mistake of stopping... JAKE DALRYMPLE.

Anyway, while the Autobots are enacting their cunning plan of RUNNING AT THE MINE AS A SMALL, TIGHTLY-PACKED GROUP, Megatron is arriving at the space bridge to find, not allies, but Blaster and pals from the last issue. Disappointment! Cap'n Kinkwave calls to tell him about the attack, and Megs decides this is the perfect opportunity to attack the Ark.

Optimus and friends come up against the Ring o' Guns, and pretty much get whipped, although it's really all a distraction so that the Constructicons will form Devastator while Bumblebee studies them with a Patented Transformer Doohickey. Meanwhile, not-a-Jewish-stereotype Donnie Finkleberg takes the opportunity to run like hell. After easily blasting up Devastator (remind me why they're worried about him again?), Optimus and his guys do the exact same thing. It's a pretty run-away-packed issue, this one.

The soldiers are still detaining... JAKE DALRYMPLE, but they cannot hold back the chaos much longer...

Megatron and his friends rock up at the Ark, where they laugh scornfully at Omega Supreme, which is kinda a mistake as he promptly transforms and kicks the crap out of them. Seriously, he pretty much wastes all the jets and all the tapes except Laserbeak. But then he is the "junction of your destruction" and the "furnace that fires your demise." You go, Giant Killer Death Robot! Even Megs is forced to fly away with his trigger between his legs. Well, I guess the Autobots can just use Omega Supreme every issue now, right? I mean, to not just have him go over and defeat all the Decepticons would be stupid, right?

...right?

The Autobots are nearly free and clear, but then... JAKE DALRYMPLE, master of mayhem, forces Skids into the path of Ravage's missile and off a cliff. As if Optimus hadn't proved his hero credentials enough this issue, he bravely leaves his friend there and speeds off. What a guy!

Cap'n Kinkwave chews Megatron out for getting so thoroughly whupped, but Megs points out that the one-eyed one did just as badly, and lucks out because the Cap'n is in the submissive phase of their weird psychosexual relationship.

The Autobots are pretty bummed, because they may have stolen the Devastator plans and killed a whole bunch of Decepticons, but they lost Skids. Um... if by 'lost' you mean 'left trashed at the bottom of a cliff'. Putzes.

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he is the Burger King

Fixed!
-Skywarp now has his proper colours on the cover!
-Blaster is no longer coloured like Optimus!

Not fixed!
-Starscream is still coloured like Skywarp when he is destroyed! (although that might be dark shading, I guess)
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...