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temple · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 1:01 pm Post subject:

Issue #UK41: Christmas Breaker!

That's right, my people; it's the first CHRISTMAS ISSUE! And I mean this was Christmas '85, back when Christmases were good. Back then, when I opened a present it was always something AWESOME, like a Soundwave or a Modulok. These days, it's more likely to be a sweater or a gift voucher. Bleh. Nobody gives me toys anymore... *breaks down and weeps*

Anyway, speaking of uncontrollable weeping, let's see what the grinches at Marvel UK do with the yuletide period. We open with Circuit Breaker (for it is she) yelling "Damn robots!" at the newspaper, because of the captured aerospace workers telling their story. Their story, if you recall, involved them eating pizza after their thieving ways let giant robots into their workplace.

She's so angry that she sets the paper aflame with her sparky powers before having a FURIOUS BACKSTORY RANT. Seriously, guys, we don't need to see her origin story every time she appears. At this stage the only people who appreciate it are those with disability fetishes and/or short-term amnesia. Why's she ranting out loud, anyway? She's on her own in the middle of a snowy street. If she's not careful someone will see through her cunning TRENCHCOAT AND HAT disguise. "Hang on a minute... that's not Columbo!"

Meanwhile, at the Ark, the Autobots are celebrating Christmas, by which I mean constructing some grotesque mockery of a Christmas tree and dressing Prime up as Santa Claus. Where the hell did they get all that red fabric and fur from? Why do I think Brawn went out and killed several hundred mall Santas for their costumes?

Prowl, of course, hates the whole thing, because he's a miserable &$£@. But apparently it's to humour that annoying little weiner Buster, because they 'owe him.' For what... I'm not entirely sure. The discussion of holiday charity leads to Buster and Jazz discussing Circuit Breaker (with another flashback! Way to cut down on all those original panels you had to write, guys!), before setting off to deliver Sparkplug's gifts. He waits until Christmas Eve to deliver them, then gets someone else to do it? I hope he has another heart attack. Mad

Ahhh, some children having fun in the snow. This is more like it, how cheer- OH NO ONE OF THEM'S FALLEN THROUGH THE ICE OH GOD SHE'S BEATING FUTILEY ON THE ICE AS THE OTHERS STARE HORRIFIED AT HER SCREAMING FACE OH GOD WHY DO I READ THIS COMIC WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPL- and then Circuit Breaker swoops down to save her. Hurray! She even restarts the kiddiwink's heart with more electrickery.

Mind you, the others then pelt her with sticks while calling her a weirdo, a monster and a freak. That's what you get for doing a good deed in THIS comic, Josie ol' pal. Also, she must have MAJOR goosebumps wearing that outfit in the middle of a snowfall. A nice scarf, hat and mittens are so rarely the fashion choices of scantily-clad female comics characters. Understandably upset (at the name-calling, not the goosebumps), she sets some more stuff on fire and then flies off.

Who should be speeding by but nobody's favourite adventuring duo, Buster n' Jazz? Turns out Wheeljack hasn't fitted snow tyres to anybody yet, and Jazz promptly spins out and crashes. Notice how he bravely transforms, thus ejecting Buster out into the air rather than keeping him safely belted into a car. Do you blame him?

Funnily enough, Circuit Breaker takes this as an attack on a human, when of course we know it's merely reckless endangerment. She pretty much kicks Jazz's tail again, until Buster tries to stop her. He's not going to succeed, but then... CHURCH BELLS. Why, what day is it today? Christmas day, Mister Scrooge!

That's right... insane, murderous Circuit Breaker changes from killing mode to wishing a merry Christmas solely due to festive cheer. Either that or she's decided to return and kill those ungrateful kids instead. I guess that's... kinda a happy ending? It's the best we're getting anyway. Season's greetings, y'all!

P.S. That's a super-sweet digital watch Buster has there, isn't it? Yet another awesome eighties present that nobody gives any more. Gift vouchers? GIFT VOUCHERS? THEY'RE LIKE MONEY YOU CAN ONLY SPEND IN ONE PLACE! Evil or Very Mad

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HdE · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 4:42 pm Post subject:

Aaaah, Circuit breaker... she's everything I don't want in a woman.

And yet bizzarely, everything I seem to have had so far... Confused

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Urzu Six · Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 2:45 am Post subject:

Even the aluminium fetish?
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HdE · Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:11 am Post subject:

jaysenc · Red Shirt Joined: 24 Mar 2009 Posts: 20 Location: US

Can I just say, I've been really enjoying the posts on here. So don't stop. If anything I want more, more often.

Over the last two years, this thread has been one of the most entertaining Transformers things I've had!

temple · Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:50 am Post subject:

temple · Posted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 12:34 pm Post subject:

Issues #UK42-44: Crisis of Command

Jeez, check out Optimus Prime; he's sitting on a throne, the pimp-ass mother&%£$er. No wonder the other Autobots are griping at him; he's probably made them fetch him mead and wenches. Actually, turns out it's over the Creation Matrix. Prowl is pointing out that not using it to bolster their forces is, in fact, a massive plot hole. Of course, then he takes it too far and suggests they create an UNSTOPPABLE DEATH ARMY, but then that's just Prowl. Interesting that Jazz's main objection isn't over the ABOMINATIONS themselves, but not having enough fuel for them.

Anyways, Optimus ain't buyin'. "There will be no Ultimate Autobots!" he shouts, and who can blame him? Not when a few years down the line you'd get Jeph Loeb doing 'Autobots: Ultimatum' and ruining it all. The 'bots all shuffle out, muttering like the surly peasants they are.

His Majesty Prime sulks for a bit, wondering if they doubt him after that whole 'spending several issues as a head' thing. Unluckily for him, Ravage is spying on the Autobots... uh, again. For god's sake, guys, close the door! He sets off an alarm on purpose, owns a few of the stupider Autobots and then gets captured by the Mirage/Hound dreamteam.

Turns out it's all part of Soundwave's plan; he's the defacto leader in the absence of Bananatron and Cap'n Kinkwave, apparently, although nice to see Starscream will bitch on at whoever's in charge. Ravage, you see, can escape from his prison cell whenever he wants... which is, uh, now, I guess, despite him not having learnt anything new since being captured. Dunno why he couldn't just leave quietly the first time, but whatever.

Off goes Bumblebee -BUMBLEBEE, SERIOUSLY- to chase him down. What's Bee's clever idea? Switching to heat vision. In the desert. Oh, look, everything's red, there's a surprise. The lil' yellow one was so upset at causing Prime to facepalm, he set off on his own. See, THAT was Ravage's plan all along... to lure out the smallest, stupidest Autobot in the Ark! GO RAVAGE!

Poor old Bee, he gets blown up by Laserbeak then beaten up by Skywarp. Man, he must feel like an audience member after a Bay movie... disorientated, slightly deafened, in a fair amount of pain...
He still manages to almost escape but tricksy ol' Starscream's bringing up the rear (if you know what I mean... WHOO-HOO!)

The Autobots are looking for him so hard that they haven't even left the Ark yet. Which makes it convenient for Laserbeak to drop Bumblebee's arm outside their front door. Oh, it is ON, b*tches!

Prime sets off alone to get him back, which is also all part of Soundwave's plan. Man, Soundwave, your plans involve a lot more travelling back and forth over the desert than your predecessors' plans did. He punches out Rumble pretty easily (which is no surprise; it's like hitting a child or an angry midget), but then the Seekers shoot him down and start mockin' him.

Bad mistake, guys! If you'd been reading your evil overlord list like good 'cons, you'd know that nothing clears up a crisis of confidence like some gentle teasing. Pretty soon they're all toast - I mean, he PUNCHES STARSCREAM'S WINGS THE HELL OFF - and he's back on the move.

Another one who hasn't read the list, Soundwave is not just monologuing to his captive, but even has the stupidity to give the straight line, "Where is your saviour now?" Cue EPIC PRIME-BASED BEATDOWN, and Prime carrying Bumblebee out in his arms. Love lift us up where we belo--o-ong... where the eagles fly... over mooooountains high...

Finally, Prime lectures the other 'Bots on yadda yadda, compassion, yadda yadda, planet Earth. Long story short: no abomination army. Bah. Oh, and then he ruins it by giving a Nazi salute. Booooo!

Annual next, folks!
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Oh, and OK to print...

martin-m · I'm kind of a big deal Joined: 27 Mar 2010 Posts: 138

I love this thread. It always gives me a chuckle. Keep up the good work!

Martin

RackNRuin · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:47 am Post subject:

Can't wait for the annual reviews!
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temple · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:17 pm Post subject:

Annual 1986: Plague of the Insecticons!

Ah, the annual. Comic strips, text stories, puzzles and quizzes, tech specs... truly the annual is the burly cousin of the anaemic 'single issue.' Plus, they're hardbacks, so you can beat uppity peasants to death with them! Very Happy

Hmm, Washington D.C. and some nervous soldiers awaiting visitors. "They are alien... an unknown quantity." No, not the teaparty, but Prime, Prowl and... Warpath? Has he even been introduced yet? Anyways, they're in the capital to meet Rockin' Ronnie Reagan, although he looks slightly more like Dean Martin here.

The cowboy prez and the cowboy Prime are just about to make peace when... SUDDEN INSECTICON ATTACK! Using the cunning phrase, "in the name of the Autobots," they make the 'Bots look like real rotters. Turns out Soundwave overheard a phone call about the peace talks and ran straight to Bananatron, who promptly awakens... THE INSECTICONS! Dunno quite why they were asleep in the first place... I mean, is Bananatron so confident in his eventual victory that he can have half his force snoozing of an afternoon? Starscream in a hammock, Ravage curled up in a kitteh basket?

The laziness of the evil aside, the Insecticons blow up all the army guys and then pretend like Prime has sent them to take out the city. Prime sends Prowl n' Warpath to stop them, although everything's pretty much on fire by the time they get there. Jeez, it's almost as if Brawn has been through there.

Meanwhile Prime goes to do some sleuthing, cause he reckons someone else is pulling the Insecticons' strings. Also, it takes him away from all those scary laser beams.

Prowl is holding his own, until Shrapnel gives him a SPLINTER GRENADE TO THE FACE! Hah... couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Mind you, him becoming a pincushion makes Warpath flip out and run Shrapnel over; there are advantages over turning into a tank rather than, say, a giant bug.

Prime suddenly realises that he can use his scout unit (that's Roller to you and me. Well, to me, anyway. You might call him Basil or something, you weirdo) to give them a hand. He's just in time to blast... uh, Shrapnel, who apparently was fine after being ground under a tank. Man, it's just not his day.

Optimus finally confronts the architect of this evil scheme... RAVAGE! He's been controlling the Insecticons with a lil' keyboard... tapping the keys with his paws... I personally might have sent one of the Decepticons with hands, but whatever.

The kitteh ain't beaten yet, though; he orders Bombshell to divebomb Prime with one of his cerebroshells, incidentally getting Kickback to try a similar thing with Roller. Only in a hilarious Final Destination-esque turn of events, Roller blowing up leads to Prime doubling over and Ravage taking a faceful of mindwipy goodness. Man, what a neat way to explain a change from talky Ravage to silent Ravage! I'm sure they'll reference this moment again and again, and not simply ignore it because it was a random annual story...

After all the shenanigans are over, the 'Bots hightail it (I'm not sure if Prowl is supposed to be in Prime's trailer or if they just left his splinter-riddled corpse behind) without explaining anything. Hence the final panel of ANGRY REAGAN. Is there such a thing as Dull Anger? If there is, this is it. Dull Anger right there.
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Cattleprod · Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 7:14 pm Post subject:

You didn't mention the best part of that story, Reagan calling Prime a 'lorry'. Now I know how British people feel when British characters in American stories use American slang.
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Bass X0 · I'm kind of a big deal Joined: 06 Jun 2007 Posts: 227

Plague of Insecticons is completely out of the regular continuity. Its a stand alone story with no basis on what has happened previously or what will come later.
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temple · Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:22 am Post subject:

temple · Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 10:27 am Post subject:

martin-m · I'm kind of a big deal Joined: 27 Mar 2010 Posts: 138

I'll take the bait.

Ravage appears in the US Transformers/G.I. Joe mini-series after Skids dropped him down a mineshaft which suggests he managed to climb out.

I would place 'Plague of the Insecticons' in continuity just before 'Afterdeath'.

Maybe Megatron put the Insecticons on ice after being displeased at their performance in 'Aerialbots Over America'.

What happens to Prowl in the story could explain why he's in Ratchet's repair bay in the first Mechanic story.

Martin