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[temple]

Issue #10: The Next Best Thing to Being There!

Yeah! "Dawn of the Devastator!" He's an extra-big Transformer; why, he must be over TWO TIMES as big as any other one based on this cover! He's laying some dakka on Ironhide and 'Bee, which bizarrely Prowl is so happy about, he's clicking his heels like Dick van Dyke in the background. You think his behaviour's bad, check out Huffer, who's giving his supposed buddy Hound a good shoeing while he's down. Despicable.

I bet you thought Bob had forgotten about Ferdy and Gabe, right? What's that? Oh, you just HOPED he'd forgotten about them? Well, tough, cause they're back. They're taking time out of their busy schedule of petty theft and incompetence to help out Cap'n Kinkwave, who's buildin' some new Decepticons with the help of the Creation Matrix... that, uh, Buster stole a few issues back. Nimbly jumping this gaping plothole, soon the Constructicons are born! See, Prime? That's what YOU should have been doing; then maybe you wouldn't be a floatin' head. Gosh, I sure hope all the new toy characters get as involved an introduction as this!

G.B. is having a tour of the Ark, which is so amazing it's caused his moustache to drop off... uh, again. He's already planning on robbing the lot out from under them; atta boy, G.B. Way to represent the human race! Jazz explains that the TFs can turn their pain sensors off at any time; gee, you'd think more of them would do that at the START of a battle rather than at the end. Buncha masochists.

Poor ol' Sunny's out of commision, which is not surprising considering Ratchet hasn't even bothered closing him up. Hey, doc, maybe he would work if he didn't have half a head, hmmm? Huffer starts whining about missing his home, and Prowl tells him to quit whining like a wussy baby. Prowl's COLD, dog. And then Blackrock handily just remembers that he bugged the aerospace plant; good ol' Blackrock, never one to let such things as the law or the privacy of his employees get in the way of a quick buck.

The Constructicons leave the plant by using metal-melting gas against the surrounding soldiers. Jeez, you'd think that would be the LAST type of weapon a race of LIVING ROBOTS would want to be handling. Plus, Cap'n Kinkwave is getting to work on Jetfire; little does he know that Prime can't bring him to life... er, unlike the 6 TFs he just did.

Sparkplug's out of the hospital and feelin' fine, although he's somewhat surprised that his always-useless son Buster has fixed all the cars. See, Sparky? That forty years of engineering you learnt seems PRET-ty useless when you consider you could have just got some BLASPHEMOUS MENTAL ENERGIES to do the work for you.

Now to a truck stop, and hirsute truck-wrangler Bomber Bill, who apparently has just been driving for eight days straight with no breaks. Yeah, that sounds plenty safe. How many kiddies lodged under your axles while you passed out from exhaustion, Billy boy? And consider just how many Coke bottles he must have pi$$ed in during that eight days! Remarkable.

Sadly for Bomber, who wants to get back to his family (who presumably HAVEN'T been mowed down by crazed truckers), the Constructicons make off with his truck. He follows them, but he's gonna need some help, help he gets by jumping into Huffer's path. Man, how did this moron make it past puberty?

What do the 'Cons want with a bunch of trucks, anyway? Why, they're rebuilding them into Soundwave's newest art installation. He calls it... "Tubey Pipey Punch Bowl." The Autobots HATE modern art, so they rush in to slap him down. That's when the Constructicons JOIN... to become DEVASTAT.... oh, the cover already spoiled that part? Okay. Homesick Huffer dithers so much about destroying the comm dish that Soundwave gets it working, and it's up to Bomber Bill (whose truck was miraculously NOT made into the big pipe thingy) to put his reckless driving habits to good use and smash the thing.

Hey... turns out Bomber Bill and Huffer BOTH want to go home. How about that for a coincidence? Only, as Huffer points out, their situations are completely different, so... I guess it doesn't really work. Plus, the Decepticons kinda won this issue, if you think about it. I mean, they sent their space call and everything. BOOOOOB! *shakes fist*

And finally... Cap'n Kinkwave is gonna kill Prime's noggin! If only there was something Prowl and G.B. could do... like, go to his known location and rescue him... but there's nothing. NOTHING!

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because let's see YOU do better

Fixed!
Ironhide is red red red, instead of coloured like Ratchet/Devastator!
Bluestreak is no longer coloured like Bumblebee (but Bumblebee is)!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[temple]

Issue #11: Brainstorm! (jeez, Bob; you don't have to use an exclamation mark EVERY time)

Jetfire Soars Supreme! Man, he certainly does! Check out his bad space-plane self! I sure hope I can get a toy that looks EXACTLY like he appears here! He's a dead shot, too; he's scoring a direct hit on Bluestreak's... knee. And Bluestreak's like, "Nooooo! Not the KNEE! I need that to do squat thrusts!" Bumblebee looks completely unbothered, though; he's just hangin' out... chillin'... Oh, and Sparkplug's wearing a safari suit, like seventies era Roger Moore, for some reason. Beats his son, who with his pink T-shirt and purple trousers looks ever more like the Joker.

We check in with Buster, who's hanging out in his room and using his DARK SATANIC MINDPOWERS to levitate stuff. He's pretty annoyed that his dad is still making him work on cars and stuff, when he could be using his powers to solve crime or pretend to see dead people in order to bilk the bereaved. He's worried that ol' Sparky is gonna think he's a freak. I think that ship has sailed, Buster ol' buddy.

Back to the aerospace plant now, where Cap'n Kinkwave is having some pizzas delivered. He's a caring alien overlord, if a little behind on current nutritional advice. He's also pretty honked off that Prime still won't give his kiddy Jetfire sweet, sweet life. Prowl's eavesdropping on the whole thing through G.B.'s phone tap, but is holding off so Cap'n Kinkwave can "reveal more of his plans." Sure, Prowl, suuure. It's not like you become SUPREME AUTOBOT COMMANDER if Prime bites the big one, is it?

Rumble gets it because he missed Buster sneaking into the Ark a few issues back, but to be fair, it's not his fault. His vision seems to be slightly less high-resolution than a Space Invaders game. Christ, no wonder the TFs rarely manage to hit each other with their lasers n' junk.

Gabe n' Ferdy are still there, and complaining about their cold pizza. I can kinda see where they're coming from; I mean, have you ever had leftover pizza the next day? The cheese forms this kinda half-rubber, half-linoleum stuff. Eesh. Still, Mozzarella Mike IS useful...as a pawn of the almighty Decepticons! Although... I guess Laserbeak could have just flown out there himself. The army are pretty useless in this book, after all.

Remember Buster had a girlfriend called Jesse/Jessie? I VAGUELY do, I guess... Anyway, she's back and willing to overlook the childish hissy fit Buster pitched last time they were together. Go for it, Witwicky! Just check out that stylish beret! They go for a romantic BMX Bandits trip, leaving Sparkplug to get roughly ambushed from behind by Bumblebee. He's standing for none of 'Bee's Autononsense, although rather unwisely thinks driving away will stymie robots that can turn into cars.

Jessie's totally beating Buster in their bike race until he uses his MINDBLASTING ELDRITCH POWERS to destroy her bike. What a psycho! Seriously, check out his face when he does it, and tell me he ain't the kid from the Omen. Not fazed the threat of imminent death from her mentally unstable boyfriend, Jessie makes out with him until.... SPARKPLUG turns up to ruin the moment. You think that's bad, kids; he's been watching from the bushes for the last five minutes.

Bluestreak and 'Bee turn up as well (Teach us of this thing called... love, earthman) as well as a peeping Laserbeak. Seriously, it's lucky they didn't get to second base; who knows who would have turned up then. Speaking of voyeuristic perverts, Cap'n Kinkwave sends a programmed Jetfire to take the kids out. ...Wait, you can just create new Transformers as drones? Then why's the Cap'n so worried about the Matrix? Just roll out a thousand remote-controlled Jetfires, moron!

Anyhoo, the 'Bots have a brief skirmish with Laserbeak and p0wn him pretty easily, but then Jetfire turns up and shoots Bumblebee... in the KNEE. Again with the knee; you have serious problems Jetfire, you weirdo. With the two Autobots down, the humans have to contend with the ridiculous sight of a PLANE WITH HANDS.

When this fails to incapacitate them with laughter, Jetfire moves in for the kill, but Buster realises "I DO have the power!" And with that, he becomes... the Mightiest Man in the Univeeeerse! Actually, that's a lie. He just pulls Jetfire apart, before reconstructing him without a brain. And best of all, he realises that his dad loves him no matter what! *noisily vomits*

Oh, and Prowl finally decides he may as well mooch over and rescue Prime after all; there's only so much else you can do in the Ark of an afternoon. Wheeljack always cheats at Scrabble and someone lost all the red discs out of Coonect 4.

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because it's the only way he'll learn

Fixed!
On the cover, Bluestreak and Bumblebee are coloured as themselves instead of Hound and Gears!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[temple]

Issue #12: Prime Time!

Uh oh... looks like the Autobots should have attempted to rescue Prime a little earlier, instead of just hanging around the Ark, eating robopastries. "Optimus Prime: Autobot Killer!" sounds pretty ominous to me. You can't tell behind that faceplate, but he's grinning while he kills them. Grinning like the Joker.

Oh, Buster. Only you would let out a "delighted squeal" while flying around in a giant space jet. I swear, that kid... Anyhoo, Buster has a bit of a daydream about the last few weeks, for those readers who for some reason missed the last year and a bit of comics. Man, remember when comics were so compressed, they could happily waste a page reminding you what you read last month? Good times, I can tell ya.

In fact, Buster's recapping so hard that he misses the US AIR FORCE attacking him. Nice going, kid. He then promptly passes out so that Jetfire can take his unconscious body straight to the Decepticons. Jeez, Autobots... maybe one of you should have gone to rescue Optimus instead of this putz. He's... a piece of work, Buster. A piece of... work.

Cap'n Kinkwave's yelling at poor lil' Rumble, who for some reason is robosweating... I mean, leaking lubricant. Then the Kinkmeister stops to taunt Prime's disembodied head, before leaking a fake disposal plan to the Autobots. What's that? He's dumping the head in the Old Swamp? Why, that sounds like a perfectly logical and nonsuspicious alternative to just blowing it up!

Jetfire delivers the comatose Buster into the clammy hand of Cap'n Kinkwave, who happily has already built a teeny human-sized torture table for the occasion. To be fair, it's no more than Buster deserves.

At the swamp, the 'Bots arrive just in time to see Jetfire drop the head (Ha! Plane with hands again!) and have to form a robot bucket chain to grab it. Here's a thing; they brought Optimus' body with them in truck form, and now have obviously transformed it for head reattachment. Isn't that a little... creepy? I mean, fiddling around with your leader's pretty-much dead body, moving all the little flaps and such? Ewww, I don't even like thinking about it.

Luckily, Transformers run on the Plug n' Play system, so the head just slots right back on. But on teh noes! It's an EVIL head! Evil Optimus pretty much instantly takes down the 'Bots before the 'Cons even arrive; seems to me Cap'n Kinkwave should be building a whole lot of Optimi (Optimuseses?) instead of all those planes.

Buster wakes up, sadly before the drills turn his noggin into a colander, and uses his BLASPHEMOUS PSYCHIC ENERGIES to make Jetfire punch Cap'n Kinkwave through the wall. Even worse for Rumble, the captured human workforce finally grow a collective pair and overpower him, despite him still being a giant unstoppable robot, albeit a perspiring one. Note that none of them stop to untie Buster; even Gabe and Ferdy think he's a useless douche.

The Autobots are still getting caned (Jeez, Laserbeak's blasting one of their heads CLEAN OFF!) until Jetfire arrives with Original Prime Head! Into the swamp goes the Evil Head, and once again Prime mops the floor with a whole squad of Transformers. What a man! Uh... robot, whatever.

Cap'n Kinkwave turns up to try and slap him around, and promptly gets thrown into the swamp. Hah! Hoisted by your own robopetard, Cap'n! Optimus could stay to finish him, but he's got an idiot weenie teenager to rescue. Does he turn into a truck and DRIVE there? No, he runs! Runs all the way! Real men run! Do the other Autobots finish off the Cap'n? No! They watch him sink for a bit! Real men watch!

...and it even turns out Busters free anyway, so pretty much a useless effort there, Prime. Still, at least he takes the Creation Matrix back so that little &%£% can't use its EERIE POWERS any more. And at least he ain't just a head any more! Epic win!

YOMTOV WA...
Oh my word, he's done it again! Nelson, if you do any more error-free issues, we're gonna have to start paying you with real money, not this Monopoly stuff!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[Bass X0]

[Kingoji]

[temple]

Issue #13: Shooting Star!

Ooh, the "Menace of Megatron." And he certainly does seem to be a menace on the cover; he appears to be thrashing the hell out of the army, a couple of cops, and... is that little Jimmy down on the ground? NOOOOO! LITTLE JIMMY! Although I gotta say, Yomtov's colouring is getting even worse; I mean, he's coloured the hand (presumably Starscream's) holding Megatron to look like it's a human's. He's even gone so far as to draw extra fingernails on the hand; I mean, Transformers don't have fingernails, right? Hang on a minute...

Anyway, we're off and some guy's being shot at. Gotta admire his running style; whirling all four of your limbs like a windmill really IS the most energy-efficient mode of locomotion. Turns out he's some douchebag called Joey Slick, and these mobster types are gonna ice him because he's been spending some crime boss's protection money on the geegees. Organised crime? Gambling? Gangland executions? Now THIS is a children's comic; Marvel of the eighties, I salute you. Now if only we could have some of those wacky Transformers in this Transformers book...

But what's this? Joey's found a curiously familiar gun; that's a stroke of luck. I mean, it doesn't work the first time, but that just means the mobsters are laughing when they get BLASTED BY THE RAW FUSION ENERGY POWERED BY THE VAST FORCES AT THE HEART OF A BLACK HOLE. I would have thought that would pretty much atomise them, but I guess it at least knocks their shades off, so that's still pretty badass.

Joey takes his crazy new weapon to a barn, where- dun dun DUN- the gun turns out to be mighty Megatron. Remember we last saw him going 'splaf' or whatever it was? Well, turns out falling off that cliff messed up his noggin, so he has to do whatever anyone tells him to do.

Anyway, now we go to visit the mob boss that was after Joey, a silver fox called Lomax. He's pretty torked that his goons let Joey get away, so this time he's not taking any chances- he's sending FOUR guys. He also wants his floozy (Charlene #2, incidentally) to stop dripping on him. Man, I haven't said that to a lady since... yeah, actually, let's not tell that story. Back to Joey Slick!

Joey sure is a man of the people; grocery stall owners give him apples, local kids want him to toss the ol' pigskin around, and middle-aged women make him soup. Seems to me he's got it PRET-ty sweet. Anyway, no sooner as he gotten home and had a sub-De Niro conversation with himself in the mirror, then the goons turn up. What to do, when you've only got an alien weapon of awesome destructive potential to help you? Well, Joey shoots a water tower down on them (luckily- perhaps even a little bizarrely- still not killing any of them).

Thing is, Joey ain't even got enough dough for a lousy motel, so there's no choice really, but to rob a petrol station with a MEGATRON TO THE FACE. That kinda makes the police come after him, so MEGATRON which kinda makes more cops come after him, so MOAR MEGATRON... you get the idea.

Pretty soon Joey and the Megster are a one-man (and giant robot) crime wave, seemingly unstoppable. Well, mostly unstoppable because a police sniper doesn't tag him in the back of the head or something sensible like that; no, they have the army line up in front of him to be shot. Much more sensible. This also upsets Old Man Lomax s'more; I guess he's probably gonna send SIX or even SEVEN men next.

Thing is, though, Joey ain't happy. He's got a bunch of deadbeats moochin' off him, so the only person he can talk to is Megatron; I guess it's lucky that his apartment has the most unnecessarily tall ceiling in the city. Even worse, all his buddies from the old neighbourhood are either scared of him or worryingly sycophantic in the case of the kids. Man, how easily do they get turned on to the idea of crime as a lifestyle choice? Bet they were all wearing gang colours within a year... no good punks.

Anyhoo, Joey rather nonsensically decides that visiting Lomax is the way to solve his woes, so promptly turns up and blows the place to hell. Megatron stops working, so the Slickmeister ends up pounding Lomax's face with his bare hands. There's a slightly sticky moment when Megatron turns out to be cured, but the old softie decides he likes Joey's moxie and doesn't squish him.

So then Joey gets arrested, and we're left to decide what the moral of the story was. If you're in too deep with a local mobster, go round to his house and slap him around? A free apple is better than fast cars and loose women? A giant killer robot would be handy to have around in the prison showers? YOU DECIDE!

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he sees in black and white, like a dog

Not fixed!
Actually, I guess this isn't really a Nelson mistake; the Soundwave in the flashback is still purple. Shame on you, Classics recolour guy! Don't make me make you the new Yomtov!

...well, that's the end of the first volume of Classics. Jeez, those wacky Transformers went through a lot their first thirteen issues. Join me, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel, as we delve into... CLASSICS UK, VOLUME ONE...
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[HdE]

[Galvatronforever]

Looking forward to the next exciting installment!

[RackNRuin]

[temple]

Hey, gang! I'm back, and with the next installment in the trade series, Classics UK Volume One! If any of you don't have the book yet, run out and get it; we'll wait for you. Got it? Good show. Now, before we embark on our next journey into robofantasy, allow me to set the scene for you, gentle readers, especially you wacky colonials over the pond.

Picture a small lad, his knees scuffed from scrumping for apples, rushing down to the local newsagent with 25 shiny pennies for his favourite new comic, and maybe a little extra for a sherbet fountain or liquorice catherine wheel. A gentleman cycles past on his penny farthing, en route to a snifter of brandy at the club, while his wife gossips about the neighbours at Mrs Weatherby's tea shop.

...at least that's how I imagine it was; I didn't live in the country at the time, and my Transformers comics arrived in a plain cardboard tube like the rankest type of pornography. Enough setup, anyway; let's enjoy some of the Kingdom's finest Transformers stories...

Issues #UK9-12: Man of Iron

Okay, we're "somewhere in southern England"; real specific, guys. And we meet this slackass George Cousins, who's totally sleeping on his castle-guarding job. Good thing those THREE ATTACKING FIGHTER PLANES wake him up, although for top-of-the-line war machines, they sure don't manage to blow up much of the crumbling, centuries-old castle. Curious George calls in UNIT... I mean, the generic military, as well as the curator, charisma-void Roy.

Roy's son Sammy likes playing injun in the woods; this is in the days before paedophiles were invented, and kids were allowed outside. Of course, he DOES run into a menacing metal giant, but that's not quite as bad. Actually, I dunno, the giant (or Jazz to you or me) DOES follow the kid home. Little creepy if you ask me...

Anyways, Roy isn't just a wearer of appalling jumpers, he also knows his robohistory, specifically about the Man of Iron (Eeeee! They said the title!) that sporadically haunts the castle. He reckons there might be a connection between THAT mysterious metal man and SAMMY'S mysterious metal man. I dunno, Roy... that's quite a leap.

Anyway, in appallingly horrifying style (seriously, it's macabre as hell), Mirage strides through the silent village, peeps in through Sammy's window and then reaches in... I mean, jeez, if this was your first Transformers story you'd be sleeping with the lights on for weeks.

Anyways, turns out there's something big an' weird under the castle, and Sammy has obviously never heard of Stranger Danger because he gets into a strange talking car; surprise, surprise, it whisks him away from his aghast mother as he screams "Mum! Help meee!" ...okay, seriously, Marvel UK writers. Did you not GET what Transformers is about? It's a knockabout scifi romp, not nerve-shredding horror concerning the abduction and, as I'm sure we'll see, dismemberment of an innocent child?

...oh, no, wait, it's Jazz again. Sammy actually seems pretty okay with the whole thing, at least until the Decepticons turn up and shoot at- HOLY CRAP THEY JUST BLEW TRAILBREAKER APART! HOLY &%$" HE'S ON FIRE! AW MAN THAT'S SO AWFUL... AAAAHHHH! NOW ONE OF THE 'CONS HAS SMASHED THROUGH A BRIDGE! HE'S ON FIRE TOO! EVERYBODY'S ON FIRE! I CAN'T... um, yeah, so MUK combat is a little more visceral than the US stuff. After Trailbreaker makes another jet go all explodey, Jazz takes Sammy (again, pretty fine with all this ultraviolence; stiff upper lip and all that) to meet Optimus, who explains the 'Bots are there to track a signal or somesuch.

Back at the castle, the Man of Iron (there it is again!) comes out and blows hell out of the assembled soldiers, before a sneaky 'Con makes him go boom. So long, MoI; we hardly knew ye, but life is cheap in these sceptred isles. The Autobots have a big scrap with the remaining Deceps, and eventually drive them off. I bet you think Prime's gonna go free the Autobot navigator from the ship below the castle, now, right? Wrong; this is BRITISH Optimus: he just blows the thing up. If that was an option... they probably could have done it earlier, but then I guess they wouldn't have gotten to set as many things on fire.

And ever after, Sammy is haunted by the experience... yeah, that's right; the story ends with a small child having PTSD. Welcome to UK Transformers, guys!

YOMTOV WA... oh, right. Never mind.
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[temple]

Issues #UK13-17: The Enemy Within!

Huh, this one's written by some joker called Simon something. Man, I hate when they bring in new Transformers writers, just when you have a good run going. Well, I predict Mr. Simon Whatsit won't be hanging around much longer!

Okay, straight away we're on the first page and Megatron looks totally pi$$ed. Maybe it's because he's hilariously toy-accurate (trigger-crotch!); maybe it's because he's a fetching shade of banana yellow. Actually, it's because Starscream's kickin' off again... always with the treachery. Oy. Bananatron chucks him out cause he doesn't want a mutiny on his hands, but sends his lil' kitty pal Ravage out to follow him.

Meanwhile, at t'Ark, the Autobots are lifting a LARGE PIECE OF MACHINERY. Notice how often repairs and upgrades in Transformers revolve around lifting a large piece of machinery? Jeez, 'Bots, build everything on stilts or something, it'll save time. Brawn's griping about doing the donkey work, but really, what's the worst that could hap- ah. Electrocution. Harsh.

Screamer has a cunning plan to attack some squishies, so that the 'Bots will attack him, then his buddies will come to bail him out... to be honest, it's kinda a sucky plan. That's good enough dirt for Ravage, though, and Starscream has to chase him around the desert. Luckily, fighter planes are moderately faster than jaguars, and he blows the spy off a cliff.

Brawn throws a major tantrum, beats the crap out of the others and tears his way out of the Ark (which strangely opens onto the forest now, despite being half-buried in a volcano). He must do this all the time, cause the 'Bots don't think it's worth following him.

While Screamer is trashing an airbase, Bananatron finds a rather worse-for-wear Ravage in the desert. Poor guy, he must be dying of thirst... or he would be, if he WASN'T A ROBOT. Brawn, meanwhile, decides to liberate carkind, starting by making a guy crash his car so hard it EXPLODES. Little Billy's father won't be coming home tonight... or any other night... because of YOU, Brawn. Murdering son of a bitch. I mean, Starscream's also murdering a bunch of people, but he's supposed to; he's a Decepticon. In the end, the Autobots are forced to take him down and take him home. I mean, they don't even stop to put out the burning town Brawn just trashed. Jerks.

Bananatron and pals give Starscream a good shoeing, although he weasels out of execution by invoking right of combat. Bananatron refreshes his memory by rewatching two total idiots called Tornado and Earthquake blow themselves up. But where to find an opponent for Starscream? If only there was an Autobot who had recently disgraced himself by killing a whole bunch of people. But THAT'S not likely to happen.

Long story short, Starscream and Brawn have to fight. Starscream has missiles, Brawn has... big rocks to throw, it's a pretty even match, until Brawn goes explodey. It's okay, though; Ravage shoots Starscream, so it's kinda a draw by Transformers logic.

Plus, it was all a dream! I mean... Bruce Willis was dead all along! I mean... Mirage used his holograms to fake Brawn's death, and the big lug, no longer COMPLETELY MENTAL, is welcomed back with open arms. I'm sure that's a big comfort to little Billy, as he cries himself to sleep in his cold, dark, fatherless home. Marvel UK: never happier than when it can make children cry.[/b]
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[Sprite]

I'm actually rather surprised by how frighteningly hardcore creepy and violent those Marvel UK stories were. I mean, like, wow dude!
_________________

OK to print.
D&D/TMNT/MLP modding, avatar tech support and shattered trousers repair.

[DanielW]

Well it's not as if that ethos will ever find it's way into the US comic, and have 99% of the cast massacred in an oversized issue. Or even if they do, they won't do it twice.
_________________
Ohh 'Eck!

[temple]

Hey, just imagine the bodycount in Simon's upcoming final 20 issues. As this is THE END (although it never... you know the rest), I predict he'll have his killing hat on again. Interesting to see who makes it to the end; maybe we should have a sweepstake?

Although... seeing as how Gen2 is now out of the picture, at last check Megatron, Cap'n Kinkwave, Starscream and Ratchet were all presumed dead in the Ark. You KNOW that at least two of those characters are gonna make a return... at LEAST two.
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[temple]

Issues #UK18-21: Raiders of the Last Ark

Hello, Simon? It's some guy called Spielberg on the phone. Says he wants a quiet word... oh, and your ASS. Ah, I'm just kidding; Steven never read the Transformers comics (as should be evident from the movies he's produced - ZING!); he was a Power Pack reader back in those days.

Anyway, lawyer-baiting titles aside, we have a quick flashback to the fight on the Ark; apparently, the computer, Auntie, came up with the idea to plow the ship into the side of a planet. Hmmm. Must have been an early-release Microsoft program. Then we're back to the present-day, and Bananatron is attacking the Ark. Not only does Optimus BLOW LASERBEAK APART, he then buttslams the other 'Bots for being useless. "Call yourself WARRIORS?" indeed. Damn, Prime, you must have had a big nutritious bowl of Jerk-Os this mornin'.

Then the Decepticons... AHHH! MY EYES! THEY'RE BEEN REPLACED WITH DOG EYES! WHERE HAVE ALL THE COLOURS GONE? DAMN YOU, DOG EYES! DAAAAAAMN YOOUUUUU! ...or these pages were never recoloured or something. Still, we don't need pigmentation to enjoy a top-line Ravage/Windcharger fight! They're the original Odd Couple!

Prime reckons that the Ark defences would be pretty handy right about then, so tries to reactivate the 'puter. Bananatron isn't having any of it, of course, but while they're tussling in a Women in Love naked/fireplace kind of way, they witness the RETURN OF AUNTIE... who looks a bit like Thatcher wrapped in gold baco-foil. Seriously, she's pretty stern. I bet if you look into Simon's past, he had an aunt who used to beat him with wire coathangers at the school holidays or something.

She's either crazy or has no memory or something, so she sticks all the TFs to the walls usin' big magnets. Hee! Hey, Autobots? Know when you should have used those magno-walls? When the Decepticons were invading your ship in issue #1. Just sayin'...

The only ones unaffected are Windcharger and Ravage, because they're all magnetic n' junk. That means they have to team up, Tango n' Cash style, to dodge laser corridors and stuff like that. Ravage is Tango, Windcharger is Cash, in case you were wondering. And Auntie is Jack Palance. Or possibly Brion James. They're doing pretty well until Auntie electrocutes them. Ravage wakes up first, and decides not to waste Windcharger. Awww, that's heratwarming. Cue the eighties guitar, cause it's time for a teamwork montage!

...that is until they meet Guardian, who's about five times the size of a normal Transformer. Again, guys; would have been useful to use as an alternative to Plan Aim For That Volcano.

Bananatron's pretty annoyed about being held against his will, so in a deliriously silly sequence he DRAWS ON THE POWER OF A BLACK HOLE. Which apparently manifests itself as twinkly streamers around him, like he's in a Kate Bush video or something. Luckily he doesn't need to use it, as Windcharger smacks the surprisingly ineffective Guardian through the wall, and Ravage bites Auntie to death.

But wait! What about Bananatron's horrendous sparkle energy? That's not a problem, as Windcharger shoots him right up through the roof and into the distance, like a Tex Avery cartoon. No wonder the 'Cons all leave; they're probably all too busy laughing. Also, no touching farewell between Windcharger and Ravage. Don't they know how to do a proper bromance? At least end on a freeze-frame high five, people!
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You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...