IDW Publishing Forums

[temple]

Heh... I said boning.

Hullo, fellow forumites! Last week, I came into possession of Transformers Classics, Volume 1 (and by 'came into possession,' I mean I bought it, I didn't steal it off a child or anything). Funny thing is, I haven't really read any of these early stories since the Titan collections came out, (and before that, not since buyin' the UK comic as a kid) so thought I'd take the opportunity to reaquaint myself with my childhood robot pals, and thought you might like to tag along.

Come with me now to the year 1984; Dirk Benedict was the President, everyone was talking about those new velcro sneakers, and something very special was about to begin with...

The Transformers
Issue #1: The Transformers (great title, guys)

Man, just from the cover I know this is gonna be awesome! There's a robot looming over the landscape so freaking big that he can crush a jet fighter in ONE HAND! And this old guy's head is just floating there, laughing like a loon at the whole thing. I tell ya, if the inside is accurate to this cover, this might just be the craziest comicbook ever created...

And POW! We're in space! BASH! Metal planet! KAZAM! Naturally occurring gears, levers and pulleys? Huh. Anyways, everybody's an Autobot and getting along quite groovily. Oh, except this guy Megatron; he's fixin' to lay a hurting on the whole planet, the rotter. We're still on page 2 (8 in this volume), and his Decepticons have already blown the hell out of so much of the planet it's been knocked out of its orbit! I'm sure that's scientifically accurate, so won't bother checking it out. The Autobots don't really seem to be up to this whole fighting business; I mean, billions dead in the early assaults. BILLIONS. You suck, Autobots.

Luckily, some guy named Optimus Prime eventually steps up his game, and using his awesome ability to turn into a box with a gun on the top, hands Megatron a stinging stalemate to the face. Wouldn't ya know it, though; the planet's heading straight for a whole mess of asteroids, so after a hasty meeting with... some guy (Optimus calls him 'sire'... so he's the... Transformer King? I'm sure they'll come back to him), the Autobot leader does the responsible thing and takes himself and the entire command structure of his faction up in a flimsy spaceship to deal with it. I'm sure the war can wait until they get back.

Okay, asteroids sorted, but having again done the smart thing and depleted the energy of EVERYONE ON BOARD, the Autobots had better hope that Megatron doesn't... oh, he has. Not to worry; Prime pulls the classic Mutually Assured Destruction move and ploughs them all into the nearest planet.

Fast forward to 1984 - hey, that's THIS year! - and a volcanic eruption sets a lil' flying dealie out to scan entirely random chunks of Earth technology. One quick reboot and the 'Formers are back on their feet, miraculously with very little change to their robot modes. Yay! Three pages of entirely naturalistic dialogue ensue ("While Cliffjumper's dodging fire, my "glass gas" can make any Decepticon brittle as ice." "That's nothing compared to Bumblebee's multiple points of articulation and $5.99 price tag."). Nice one, Bill n' Ralph. What I would call 'brutally efficient' writing, but whatever gets the job done, huh? Despite the Autobots outnumbering the Cons 18 to 10 (and five of those are little weiner tape guys), they pretty much go their separate ways.

Ah, here's what we've all been waiting for... the HUMAN CHARACTERS! Finally, people we can relate to! Especially this kid Buster, with his fetching pink T-shirt n' jeans combo, and his library-hating old man. Yeah, Sparkplug's right! Readin' never did anybody any good! Put the damn comic down kid, and go do something useful like joing the navy! Damn punks...

It's not long before Buster and his main squeeze Jessie are getting hot and heavy at the drive-in and completely blocking the view for their improbably-named buddy 'O'. Why aren't they in the back, and 'O' in the front? Buster's car, Buster's rules, baby. That's why Jessie isn't allowed shoes... scuffin' his floor mat up. His vehicular dictatorship doesn't make him popular, though; watch how happily Jessie and 'O' agree to leave him behind when stuff starts blowing up. Great pals you got there, kid!

So yeah, some aimlessly cruising Autobots start a ruckus at the drive-in with a few Decepticon bullyboys. Cliffjumper managed to take out, like, two whole jets, while the most Hound manages is to scare Ravage off with what look like half-shark, half-footballs. The Autobots pretty much abandon Bumblebee, but that's all right, as Buster's already jacked him, the juvie scum. His dad doesn't care, though; better stealin' cars than readin' books! That's what commies do!

Pretty packed issue, huh? Millions of years of story in just a few pages. That would be, oh, a good couple of trades-worth in today's comics. Just enough time for...

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because bless him, he tried...

Fixed! (yay)
Soundwave's now toytastic blue throughout!
Jazz, when he's meeting the Transformer King, is now white n' black/blue instead of Bumblebee-coloured!
Optimus Prime is mostly coloured right on the Ark!
Starscream actually changes colour when he's "glass-gassed"!

Not fixed! (boo!)
Weird Reverse Prime still attacks the Autobots on the Ark!
Cliffjumper's arms are white right at the end!

That's about it for now; comments are most welcome, and I'll see you guys for the next exciting issue soon!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[Sprite]

I'm both struck by how silly some of the concepts are in retrospect, and impressed how much of the mythos was already in place in those first few stories. You can tell how they already had something special going on there.
_________________

OK to print.
D&D/TMNT/MLP modding, avatar tech support and shattered trousers repair.

[Forester]

[temple]

[Sprite]

...I think I had a pair of Velcro sneakers in the eighties...
_________________

OK to print.
D&D/TMNT/MLP modding, avatar tech support and shattered trousers repair.

[temple]

Issue #2: Power Play!

Yeah! Optimus versus Megatron! Now that's the kind of cover I'M talking about! I'd be totally loving the awesome action, if I wasn't completely distracted by Bumblebee's FREAKING RIDICULOUS EXPRESSION in the background. Seriously, what's up with that? He looks like the cereal packet version of a ghost or something!

Anyways, the Decepticons are on a mountain overlooking a nuclear power plant. For some reason, the Transformers seemed to do a lot of overlooking stuff in the early days of the comic/cartoon. Starscream tries to undermine Megatron, but Megs, like, totally slaps him down and sends Ravage to spy out the place. He manages to eavesdrop on one of the engineers, which admittedly isn't too hard as the guy completely misses a GIANT METAL CAT leaping into the air and into his big bag o' tapes. How many tapes does one guy need, anyhow? What, the plant bosses demand 20-hour status updates or something?

At least Megatron knows what he wants: "Fuel and a base from which to obtain more fuel!" He's all about the fuel, our Megatron. Good thing they're at a nuclear plant, right? The Decepticons decide to attack one by one so that they can show off their supersweet action features. Thundercracker sonic booms, Rumble rumbles, Ravage... runs at people while growling, that sort of thing. Now, I bet you're thinking they're gonna take over the plant, aren't you? For that base/fuel thing? Well you, sir, are an idiot. Instead they break the whole thing into handy chunks and walk off with it.
...what?

Enough of these giant robot shenanigans; let's get back to the real action... Buster and his dad, a man who wears a baseball cap even when awakened in the middle of the night. Mind you, I'll cut him some slack as he seems to be able to repair alien superbeings in a couple of hours. No sooner is Bumblebee back on his feet than he's whisking Buster away to his secret volcano lair. Sparkplug seems only halfheartedly worried; to be fair, if Buster was my kid, I'd take any opportunity to get him out of the house too.

Considering it's the middle of the night, the city seems pretty busy; I guess it's true what they say about Oregon never sleeping. Now if you or I had abandoned our best friend/romantic partner in the midst of an alien gunfight, maybe we would think about ringing his house at some point, or at least stay in until we heard from them. Not so for Jessie and 'O', who have gone for a stroll through the city centre. 'O' says that he checked Buster's house, but that's a blatant lie considering Buster and his old man were fixing 'Bee with the garage door open all night. Nah, he went home and collected his spiffy new ghettoblaster. Priorities, 'O', you fat &$%!

Their epic avoidance fails anyway, as they run into Buster pretty much staright away. They all come down with another case of Giant Metal Cat Blindness, and then Buster drives back home anyway, rendering the entire trip kinda pointless. Hey Witwicky, gonna invite your pals on what promises to be the adventure of a lifetime? ...Nah, didn't think so. Man, these three kids hate each other.

Back at the Ark, Prime offers to pimp out Cybertron's deathtastic technology to Earth in exchange for sweet, sweet fuel, which is lucky as Sparkplug offers to convert some for them. He's apparently one of the dying breed of auto mechanics that mixes and distills their own petrol.

O' course, when the Autobots turn up to collect, the 'Cons drop by as well. Sideswipe takes a brief trip up with a jetpack, cause he likes to use his gun CLOSE UP, while Prime seems more entertained by making shrapnel rain down on a suburban neighbourhood. What a jerk. Some cops turn up, fire a few shots and then give up, and Mirage tries to reason with Ravage, the bourgeois buffoon. Megatron turns up late to the party, but then he did have to walk the whole way. He and Optimus toss junk at each other like French ex-lovers, while Starscream robs off with Buster's dad. I'm sure the Autobots will get him back, tho- ahhh, no, fuel fail. Again with the fuel; who sponsored this issue, Shell?

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he wouldn't bring up YOUR colouring mistakes...

Fixed!
Jazz in the Ark scene is coloured right, instead of like Hound!
Thundercracker and Skywarp's cockpit cowlings are colored in instead of left orange!
Starscream is more or less right, instead of all blue!
Jazz is deHoundified again at the end!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[The Rev]

[temple]

Issue #3: Prisoner of War!

Gotta love the cover; guest-starring Spider-Man! Man, I was getting worried that it would all be these sucky giant robots in the book, but if the webhead's here, I'm here for the long haul! Check out Megatron's expression; even HE can't believe how awesome Spidey is!

Well, things are lookin' bad for Sparkplug. He's banging on Starscream's cockpit, and he's so angry he hasn't even strapped himself in! Remember that nuclear plant from last issue? Well, here's where we find out what the Decepticons did with it; they made it into a big ol' castle on top of a mountain. No foolin'; a real castle, with towers and turrets and everything.

Megatron wants ol' Sparky to convert some fuel for them, because as we've already established, old man Witwicky's petrochemical skills vastly outweigh those of hyper-advanced, millennia old robots. He's having none of it, though; falls right back into reciting his rank and number. Check out his thousand-yard stare; you know he's back in that bamboo cage, being poked and poked and poked...

The Autobots are still being real drama queens, collapsing to their hands and knees like junkies scrabbling for a lost needle. Then they realise they're being stupid, and get back up again. Prime has to give Hound and Sideswipe a lift back to the Ark in his trailer, which has to be a weird experience for all involved. I mean, can Optimus actually FEEL them inside him? If I was them, I'd feel uncomfortable with the whole deal.

Anyways, Jesse reckons Buster's pretty brave goin' with the alien death machines, and that happens to be one of her turn-ons, along with long walks and white roses. He doesn't seem that comfortable with her attentions, though; he's probably been trying to ditch her since she abandoned him at the drive-in. Like he says, it's "strictly a family matter!" Roughly translated as "get lost, losers! These are MY robo-buddies."

When they get home, Ratchet has something important to tell them, but Optimus completely shuts him down. Big mistake; Ratchet's like the Quincy of the Autobots. You ignore him at your peril.

Sparkplug's caving after only a little light torture, although to his credit he does make Rumble unscrew his own hand. Transformer's fuel runs out of their arms? That's like me being able to urinate from my fingertips! Actually, that would be pretty cool. Anybody messes with me... p!$$ to the eyes! Next we travel to the "hallowed halls of learning" of the University of Oregon. Hallowed halls? I'd always heard Oregon U was more of a party college. Soundwave grabs the enormous Jack Kirby machine Oregon's chemistry department is famous for and walks off with it. Is it me or does every Decepticon scheme seem to involve picking up large chunks of machinery and trudging off with them?

This whole situation, as we see, is extremely disturbing to the four axes of the modern world; the White House, the Kremlin, Nick Fury and Robbie Robertson. Castles not being the most covert of bases, pretty soon the place is surrounded by the army, the press and... YEAH! Peter Parker! While the army are getting their tail whipped by the 'Cons, he teams up with the irascible Gears. One's wisecracking, one's whiny; one's got spider-powers, one turns into a car: they're the original odd couple!

Spidey manages to sneak the Autobots past the army through the cunning ploy of wearing a hat. (Note to younger readers: the U.S. army of 1985 was made up entirely of blind men; it was one of Reagan's ideas, I think). Gears and the wallcrawler sneak into the castle... I say sneak, but they basically just thrash their way through every Decepticon they meet. Gears find the time to hurt Soundwave's feelings (it's not HIS fault the other Decepticons don't like him; his parents moved when he was young and it was tough being the new kid at Deceptischool), and then they rob Sparkplug back from Megatron, who doesn't seem really fussed, to be honest.

Despite Spidey expending all of three webs to save him (and he just used, like, a hundred on Megatron), Gears pulls a Wile- E. Coyote, although the other 'Bots make a half-hearted attempt to scoop him up. It's all right, kids, he'll be back! What do you think this is, the Movie? That doesn't even exist yet! It's only just hit 1985!

Back at the Ark, Spidey has to shoot off, as Aunt May's cooking a pot roast that night, and you know how she worries. Ratchet manages to revive Gears to "minimum operating level." Hear that? The absolute MINIMUM. Way to expend as little effort as possible, doc. And what does Gears do? Uses his one breath to rat out Sparkplug. Haaaaa!

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he's worth it

Fixed!
Ironhide and Windcharger are actually coloured right at the garage!
Sunstreaker is yellow instead of red!
Cliffjumper's head is red instead of yellow!
When the Autobots gather up Gears, they're actually vaguely the right colours!
Cliffjumper and Hound are coloured right back at the Ark!

Not fixed!
Skywarp's cockpit colour still covers most of the entire plane!
Gear's legs change between blue and white, although I guess this could be lighting!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[temple]

Issue #4: The Last Stand

Man, things are looking rough for the 'Bots this issue. On the cover, the Decepticons are totally flying at them like Superman or something. Even Ravage! Of course, why they're not using their guns is beyond me; Optimus is using his. Maybe the 'Cons are just that confident. And Mirage is clutching his arm like he's just knocked his elbow on the table; I mean, he's a robot. What does holding your arm do when you're a robot? If it was hanging off, I'd understand, but this just looks like he's hurt his funnybone.

Anyways, good ol' Sparkplug, as you'll recall, had pretty much handed the Decepticons victory with his fuel conversion thingy, and the Autobots are less than happy about it. Huffer totally wants to kick his ass, but Ironhide won't let him. Man, you know you're overreacting when IRONHIDE has to talk you down. Anyways, Sparkplug decides to make a run for it before the squishing starts. Quick, Jazz! Use your nonlethal FLAMETHROWER to stop him! Oh... oh, right. Ouch.

Let's leave old man Witwicky collapsed on the floor and catch up with the real hero of the Transformers saga... 'O'. He's hanging around in a bar, like most teenagers who aren't mixed up with giant robts would be, when he's frightened by his dad in an uncannily accurate Optimus Prime cosplay outfit. Thing is, 'O' HATES cosplayers, ever since a couple of them molested him at a Star Trek con as a child, so he storms out of the bar. I'm sure Bob fully intended to return to the rich, tragic yet ultimately heartwarming relationship between 'O' and his dad, but those pesky Transformers kept getting in the way, so I was left desperate for more screaming 'O' action. I mean, I rented that movie, The Story of O? But that didn't help. If anything, it left me more confused than ever. But I digest...

GRATUITOUS BALLET SCENE! Sweet! Oh, ballet girl in the green scarf, you filled a special place in the heart of child-temple that no flesh-and-blood woman has been able to match since. Sigh. Jesse's pretty bummed, though, thinking about Buster. It's all right, Jesse; thnking about Buster depresses me as well.

Not satisfied with inducing a massive coronary in Sparkplug, the Autobots insist that he travel to the hospital in an ambulance with no EMTs, in an effort to finish the job. Sparky's too busy to notice anyway, flashing back to the horrors of Korea. They made him... work... on... cars... the animals! He swore that if he ever got back to the States, he'd never work on another vehicle again, and that's a promise he kept to this very day. Wait...

Megatron's fully refueled, and to prove it goes to stand outside while the army shoots at him. Cause that's what a full battery does, doesn't it? It makes metal indestructible. Starscream sure picked a bad time to mess with him, 'cause Megs just blows him away... and then admits he had a point. We've all had bosses like THAT, myrite?

Having a few hours to kill, Optimus starts in on all the shows the Ark recorded while he was taking his four million year nap. Turns out some badass mofo called Shockwave was kicking around the Savage Land while they were asleep. The Ark sent out one of those probes to check the planet out; remember how last time, it thought that cars and planes n' stuff were the dominant life form? Well, this time it thinks it's dinosaurs. Logical. It's a good thing they didn't send the Probe That Picks Random Things out a third time, otherwise we would have had Transformers that changed into a cheese sandwich or a flowerpot or something.

The Decepticons are on their way, anyway, so the Autobots come up with a cunning plan. Instead of facing them with ten reasonably-powered Autobots, they're gonna face them with five fully powered ones. Makes sense to me. Nobody will mess with the dream team of Prime, Huffer, Ironhide... Bluestreak... and Mirage? Really? Bluestreak and Mirage over, like, Windcharger and Sideswipe? Your funeral, guys.

Anyway, the big action climax starts and straight away Ravage starts gnawing on Mirage. Now you know how those turbofoxes felt, aristo scum! In the end, Mirage decides that pacifist ideals are all well and good, but not as much fun as SHOOTING A CAT IN THE FACE. Serves him right when he gets a Buzzsaw to the face a couple of pages later. The Autobots are getting pretty caned, even though Optimus makes Megatron PUNCH HIMSELF ACROSS THE CAVE, and it looks like all hope is lost.

But what's this? In the hospital, Sparkplug is enjoying a chuckle at the thought of sending a bunch of Koreans over a cliff. You see, in order to win the war, Sparkplug Witwicky had to BECOME war. What you call hell, Sparkplug Witwicky calls... home.

Long story short, all the Decepticons have a really bad bout of indigestion, cause Sparky's poisoned them all. Kind of a Deus ex Mechanic, if you will. Everybody's pretty happy; Jesse and Buster are happy cause they can do it in Sparkplug's bed while he's in hospital, 'O' is happy because they always let him watch, and the Autobots are so happy that Sunstreaker, who if you recall was TOTALLY DRAINED OF ENERGY a few pages ago, comes out to congratulate them/loot the 'Cons' bodies.

Man, that was a great four-issue miniseries. There was action, adventure, a man with the proportional strength of a spider... this story had it all. But I'm glad the good guys won; the Decepticons are no more and the Earth is safe at l-OH TEH NOES SHOCKWAVE

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because NOBODY gets the Seekers right

Fixed!
Megatron is no longer brown on the cover!
Brawn is no longer red and blue!
Windcharger, Ratchet and Ironhide are all the right colours!
As are Mirage and Jazz!
And Bumblebee too!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[hook line and sinker]

So the name Witwicky in every continuity is something to be feared by Transformers everywhere. Spike the robosmashing playah is nothing compared to those guys in the Marvel run, who were capable of knocking out the entire Decepticon earth force.

The Witwicky family. It's a good thing the reapers only recruited wimpy ol' Sixshot and not them!

[Oracle1984]

In watching One Shall Rise Part 2, when Prime gives that device to Jack, and then hesitates in describing what it is, who else thought of Prime transferring the Creation Matrix to Buster?
_________________
September 17, 1984. MTME Part I. The world changed forever.
---------------------------
"Nobody ever died for a typewriter." Road-Block, G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (Marvel) #69 (p.4)
---------------------------
(Okay to print)

[temple]

@ Sprite: yeah, I might be kidding around here, but there's a lot of awesome stuff in these early issues. It's the comic, more than the toys or show, that meant I'm still a fan 27 years later.

@The Rev: Hound fan, eh? Enjoy him while you can, before thousands of characers have their turn at the spotlight.

@hook line and sinker: truly, Sparkplug is the true Chaosbringer.

@Oracle1984: oh yuss. And that seminal moment is coming up very soon...
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[temple]

Issue #5: The New Order

Ooo, menacing cover. Although for such a logical dude, Shockwave's assertion is alrmingly fallacious. I mean, the Transformers are all dead? He's standing RIGHT THERE! Still, I give him some kudos for surprisingly legible penmanship using his gunarm. It's the single eye, y'know. Good at focusing on stuff.

What the? What is this, a Honeymooners comic? I paid good money for giant robots, not the unfunny adventures of a wife-beating sack of... oh, Shockwave's watching some TV. All right. One of the shows he's watching is an interview by some chick called Charlene. Now, Bob had a thing about the name Charlene, you know. Don't believe me? Well, continue to read along with me, gentle forumites, and you shall see all. For now, let's just call her Charlene #1.

Charlene #1 is interviewing the rich industrialist Tony Star... I mean, G.B. Blackrock, about his new oil rig. Man, you can tell he's a 'flamboyant multi-millionaire; just look at the moustache. The kind of moustache that says "Yes, I might have made my money in the adult film industry, but that shouldn't make you underestimate my skill as a businessman." Of course, he hasn't really built the oil rig himself. No, that's down to his wunderkind Josie Beller. Boy, she's so cute and perky! I sure hope nothing happens to dent her sunny disposition!

You guys wondering what happened to the Autobots after last issue? Well, ol' Shocker's hung them all upside down like some sort of robo-butcher. Kinda weird if you think about it; I mean, why string 'em up like that? You would have thought piling their bodies up nice and neatly would be just as convenient. You wanna know the real reason? Shockwave... he LOVE-A-DA-BONDAGE. That's right; slap him hard and call him a bitch!

Anyhoo, Kinkwave has reenergised all the Decepticons... well, all except Megatron, who he has, again, lashed up against a wall for his deviant pleasure. I mean seriously, that's just blatant. The safety word is "I'm in charge of the Decepticons now."

Buster is still at the hospital, although at least his good pal Ratchet swings by to visit. Way to go, doc; running around checking out fraudulent 911 calls while your comrades have been sliced up and displayed by a sexual deviant. Buster decides to go back to the Ark with him, but his mean ol' dad makes him promise never to see his alien buddies ever again. You happy now, Sparkplug? You just made your son cry like a LITTLE GIRL. No wonder your wife left you. That's right, kids; Mrs. Witwicky ain't dead or nothing; she just moved to Reno with a busboy named Raoul.

Back at the Ark, Kinkwave is getting thrills from bossing the 'Cons around. "See that they are properly prepared," he says of some of the helpless Autobot corpses. One shudders to think what hideous purpose he will set them to. The excitement's too much for him, and he flies off to calm down. Hey, Megatron! He turns into a gun too! You can be ALTMODE PALS!

Buster an' Ratchet rock up to the Ark, and it seems that all is not well. Perhaps it's that no one is returning their calls... perhaps it's that it's too quiet... perhaps it's the SQUAD OF DECEPTICONS STANDING RIGHT OUTSIDE, but they know that something is amiss. Ratchet bravely lets Buster check the ship out, having read up on the use of canaries in mines. Stupid, pink T-shirted canaries...

Buster has a wander around (lucky all the 'Cons are on a cigarette break outside), and finds the Autobots strung up. Bad times, but at least good ol' Optimus got awa-OH MY LORD HE'S JUST A HEAD. Turns out Buster is the Autobots' last hope. BUSTER? Really? Man, Optimus, you haven't been paying enough attention to this kid's lameness. Guess the 'thinking parts' were in your body...

YOMTOV WATCH!
Because he only had four crayons... and two of those were red

Fixed!
Trailbreaker, Ironhide and Bumblebee are the right colours!
Jazz no longer has a red head!
Skywarp is coloured like Skywarp, not Thundercracker!
Soundwave is still delightfully blue!
Ratchet is coloured right!

Not fixed!
Cliffjumper has a blue head (although at least he has a red body), and Windcharger is still coloured like Brawn!
Bluestreak is still a bit like Prowl!
Sunstreaker is still blue and red when Shockwave blasts him!
Frenzy and Rumble are still randomly coloured when they're standing guard!
_________________
You exist because we allow it. You will end because we demand it.

Oh, and OK to print...

[HdE]

[Sprite]

I think that Shockwave cover is the most used picture in tribute pics EVER.
_________________

OK to print.
D&D/TMNT/MLP modding, avatar tech support and shattered trousers repair.